i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
FUCK WHALES
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
