Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
