she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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