My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
