I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
