I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
