I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
