my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
