you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
