3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
