dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
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