Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
