Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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