I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
