I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
