I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
