Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
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