the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
