i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
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