I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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