yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
