Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
