Princesses don't give blow jobs
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Why is there bacon in the couch?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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