you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Randomize
