My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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