Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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