She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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