Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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