dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Randomize