I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Randomize
