thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Randomize
