where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize