Porn is love you can see.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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