Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
