The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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