This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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