Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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