i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
