You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
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