so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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