I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
