i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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