omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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