if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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