After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
