Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
