On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
