i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
