By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
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