I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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