it's too hot outside to masturbate.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
