Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
