did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
