you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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