You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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