I wanna bring you to show and tell
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
