just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
