i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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