while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
