I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
