Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
