she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
