I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
