I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Randomize
